Just fell off a train. Bad.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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