Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
