i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
