i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
