he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
