Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
