And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
