On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
