when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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