We won't sleep together?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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