Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
