So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
