She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
