You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
