I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
