i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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