imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
