his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
