Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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