Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
