I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
