I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
