The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
