i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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