He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
