I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
