Where is the hickey?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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