You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.