Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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