Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
