worst night to have a conscience
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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