I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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