I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
