No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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