I met the friendliest cop last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
