He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I need water and some morals
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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