She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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