I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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