i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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