Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
