This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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