So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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