Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
