are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
