There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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