My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
