My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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