No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
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Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.