How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
