No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....