she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.