I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
