I hate all girls vehemently.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
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Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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