that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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