Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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