Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
